Mothers and playoffs

Well, it was mother's day, and my mom doesn't know the difference from one day to the next. When I called her on 'the day' she seemed to think I was in England and went into detail explaining the time difference. I could have explained the postal code difference, but it would not matter. I was in a different country, not just a different city. Even then, the city is divided by only a few miles. To her, I was in a different time zone and talking to her, I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. As for my Canucks, they are in the playoffs, but as of tonight, maybe no longer. Oddly enough, that makes me sadder than my mothers state of mind. I guess that says alot eh?

I took a nap, what did I miss?

Today I had a nap,, WTF? I don't 'nap'. I hate napping, it seems so lame, so weak, so ' I can't take it so I will sleep through it'. I envy people who can nap, whether it's a cat nap, or a real hour or more zonk out. It's just not me. Some how, during the day, I feel obligated to be awake. Things are happening, life is moving, the world is turning on it's axis, I can't miss that! And yet, today, I did. What? Why? How? At a certain age, I feel like I need to live every moment, feel every moment, see every moment. It just cut off time from my life line. I don't want to cut off that time! Even through bad times I have that moment of clarity that says "hey, at least your alive to experience this". I have had people in my life that have passed away and I am sure they would gladly give up that for just one more experience, good or bad, ya know?
I have never been a good napper either, I wake up grumpy, groggy, and grouchy. Not refreshed in the least. I don't think better, clearer, happier. I just wake up pissed off that I wasted time sleeping. After my 'nap' today, I jumped in the shower trying to clear the cobwebs, then I got bitchy. Not a good thing for people in my path!! Next time I get the urge to nap, I am going to slap my self, have a cold shower, and make a pot of coffee. I will be tired, sure, but hey, at least when my eyelids droop I will have a smile on my face. Hello world, here I '''zzzzzz" come!

Wine and blogging, not a good combo

My main form of communication these days is Facebook. Not a bad thing, I used to do the MSN thing, but haven't used that for over a year. Blogging fell in the middle, whether it was posting or reading. I had some time today between planting on Farmville and fishing on Fish Wrangler, so I thought I would go back over some posts I had done. I find my sadder ones were when I had a drink, or three. They say when you drink you say things you normally wouldn't (you may think it, but never have the balls to speak it). Does the same hold true to blogs? I think so. Oddly enough I think that is not a bad thing. I have learned alot about myself by what I allow myself to post, usually a negative thought then becomes a positive change later. For the record, I am not drinking now, lol, but if I was I would like to think I would say (type) the same thing.
Now that I have safely typed this, I can go pour a drink,, yayyy!

I have insomnia, wake me when it's over!

Can't sleep, the brain is working overtime! I am on a rollercoaster, which any other time I would love, but emotionally,, not so much. Every day seems to be a good news/bad news kind of day, and yes, I try to focus on the good, but some how, at night, when I am trying to find that perfect spot on my pillow, the other stuff comes flooding back. Nothing life threatning, earth shattering, hold the phone I am gonna crap my pants kinda stuff, just daily, weekly, monthy mundane stuff. I would love to go to sleep counting happy sheep, happy thoughts, happy memories, but for some reason dark clouds, thunder claps and lightning flashes scare the sheep away. Stupid sheep! Head for the barn and keep jumping so I can count you!

A Letter To Me

One day I will look back and read this, and say What Was I Thinking. For now, it is what I am thinking. I am lost. Tela is moving back with her mom in June so my purpose as a caregiver will be done. That can be a good thing, as that means I can be a grandma again, which is an awesome thing, but I wont be the 'be all/end all' of her everyday life. I don't know if I am ready to give that up. I like being on the PAC at her school, it gives me a reason to get up some days. I like having to make her lunch, walk her to school, be there when she gets home. Read stories at bedtime and have a ticklefest when it is time to get up. I rely on these things, they are what makes me needed and wanted. I will miss her friends banging on the door to see if they can play together, although at times I wish my door had a noise buffer. I will miss just sitting down to a good book and hearing "GRANDMA" bellowed from the 3rd floor. I will miss the tears, the laughter, the joy, the pain of raising a child again. I will be lost. Can I find myself when she is gone? Can I become an adult again with a life, a schedule, friends,lunches, movies, freedom? I don't know, and worse, I don't know if I want that. I want Tela, and all the stress that comes with her. I want Tela, and all the love that comes with her. I want to be needed, wanted, relied on. I don't lack for other things, money, friends, and a wonderful man, but somehow my identity has become so wrapped up in Tela that I have forgotten how to let everything else into my life. I will get through this, empty nest syndrome I guess is what it will be. Maybe if I throw some seeds out,,,,,,,,,,,

Canada, Going For Gold!!

I felt rather foolish when the Olympics came to town, I didn't realize that although Canada has hosted twice before (one summer, one winter) we had NEVER won a gold on home soil.. well, as of now we have 4 !!!! I have been downtown twice, it was insane but fun! I don't do well in crowds, not because of any phobia, but because I am so protective of my shoulder getting jostled. It got a little overwhelming a few times, getting swept away with a crowd going in a direction AWAY from the hotdog stand,, lol,, but overall I did quite well. Skytrain is quite an adventure, you get your normal drunks and druggies, and then the mix of every nationality immaginable, with random national anthems being belted out. I really do understand when people say they are proud to be Canadian, and the unity being felt here is something I have never experienced in my lifetime, but I am also proud to be a human being, because beneath the painted faces, the flags being worn as capes, the singing and cheering, the smiles and tears of joy, we have come together as people. We gasp at the wipeouts, no matter what country, we cheer for the podium, no matter what flag is being raised, we as a world were saddened by the death of the 21 year old luger who died on a practise run. Someone said on tv they can only hope these feelings of togetherness and support can last after this month, and I think I cheered more for that statement than any gold we have won so far.

The Terminator and the Torch

So,, Arnold is coming to Vancouver, Stanley Park to be exact. I don't know why, lol, but he who has made a living with weapons and explosions and destruction will be entrusted with a torch and let loose in our beloved park. Well, ok, not exactly 'loose', but still...
I saw it pass through yesterday, no idea who was holding the torch, and the kids from school were more interested in using their flags as swords, but for my granddaughter it was a once in lifetime experience. For me, twice in a life time. I saw it wayyyyyyyy back in 1988 when it came through Cloverdale on it's way to the Calgary winter olympics, I had my daughter with me that time. Funny thing though, the first time I saw it, as it went by I had a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. Not a clue why it brought up the emotion it did. This time around I was worried it would happen again, but I really didn't feel anything, more concerned was I that my eye was going to be poked out by the overzelous flag fighters that were standing in front of me. I should be more 'into it', so every politition in our country keeps, saying, but apart from the hockey, I don't really care. If it had been the Stanley Cup celebration parade for my beloved Canucks, I would have had my face painted and been draped in a Canuck flag, screaming blue murder, (and yes, that will happen!) but as for the torch,, meh,,, not so much. I am glad there are people out there enjoying Vancouvers time to shine, but really, shouldn't we shine all the time? Kinda like when company is coming we go the extra mile for them, why not go the extra mile for the people we see/live with every day? As far as that goes, why not go the extra mile for ourselves on occasion too, just because we can, not because we have to. On that note, I am going to grab my Bic lighter, and run a lap around my living,, just because I can! Goooo meeeeeee! Now, where is that milk crate that looks like a gold medal podium,,,,,,,,,,